


Grief

by Junimullet



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Brogane, F/M, Grief, Loss, Post Season 8, Tragedy, kallura
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-10 02:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18929725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junimullet/pseuds/Junimullet
Summary: Keith struggles to come to terms with Allura's death.Also on FF.net.





	Grief

**Author's Note:**

> "Grief, I've learned, is really just love. 
> 
> It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. 
> 
> Grief is just love with no place to go."
> 
> \- Jamie Anderson.

The night air was crisp on the outskirts of the Garrison. A crescent moon hung limply in the distance, skewered by the occasional drifting cloud. Besides the intermittent howl of a lone coyote echoing through the vast canyon, the only sounds were the soughing winds, tinkering tools, and laboured breaths as the former red paladin worked away on securing the new roof of his shack in preparation for the rainy season, the last major renovation of his small abode.

Since Haggar's defeat three months ago, most of the Garrison, while always on stand-by, cleared out to spend time with their families and pick up the pieces of what still remained after the war. Family members separated, loved ones lost, relationships damaged, and entire cities and neighbourhoods destroyed - the war had affected everyone, though they all differed to Keith in one very important regard.

They would never truly understand the price that was paid for their victory.

Quite frankly, it sickened him - that everyone, even the other paladins, could just move on, never to know the irreplaceable cost of each new day with which they were blessed.

Not Keith. He would never let himself forget. He would live each day as a cursed man if that's what it meant.

The familiar chug of a diesel engine approaching pulled him from his thoughts, putting his hammering to a momentary halt, but he did not turn around. There was a hiss as the noisy truck came to a stop in the open space beside Keith's ladder, followed by the sound of a slamming door and lofty commando boots as they met with the dry, desert ground.

"Shiro," he said indifferently.

"Hey, buddy." Even from the top of his ladder, Keith could hear the sympathy behind the smirk in his tone. The gap of a few seconds transpired before Shiro remarked, "So... this is why nobody's been able to get a hold of you these past few months."

"Hmph," came the younger man's terse reply, reaching behind for the wrench strapped to his tool belt and immediately setting to work on tightening a bolt. But despite his best efforts to ignore the presence of his unexpected visitor, the last reserves of Keith's focus were beginning to run dry as the palpable worry of the former closed in on him.

" _Keith_."

He stopped his work, shoulders sagging in irritation. "What do you want me to say, Shiro?" he sighed, still not turning around.

"Well, for starters, an inquiry of general well-being would be nice, seeing as you haven't bothered to respond to _any_ of my messages," he chuckled. "Can you imagine my surprise when I finally got a hold of your mom, who informed me that you weren't traversing through space with her as we were all led to believe, but were just out here, working on your shack?"

Keith made no answer, and simply looked out past the slanted metal of his roof into the distance. Then, after a few thuds and a loud, metallic groan, Shiro finally appeared in his peripherals, no more than a foot below him now that he stood atop the hood of his truck.

"If you won't come down, then I guess we can talk about it here," he said, a touch of frustration betraying his easy smile.

Jaw clenching, Keith willed himself to look at his old friend, but couldn't quite succeed. However, whatever short glimpse the older paladin caught of his face seemed to be confirmation enough.

"I'm sorry, Keith," Shiro said sadly, stretching towards him to place a comforting hand on his shoulder while gripping the wooden beam for support.

Keith shrank back at that, and scoffed. "Shouldn't  _Lance_  be the one you're sorry for?" 

Shiro frowned. "Lance has got enough support from people to help him recover - his family, Hunk,  _Katie_ …  _You_ , on the other hand,  _need_  to talk about this."

Keith averted his gaze, the long-neglected fringe of his mullet obscuring his face as he did so. "Why does it matter what  _I_  feel?" he asked, barely above a whisper.

Shiro's grip on his shoulder tightened. "Because," he said softly, "you loved her."

"Well, _love_ isn't going to bring her back!" snapped Keith, pushing away Shiro's hand and then jumping off the ladder, a flurry of dust rising around him as he landed steadily on the barren ground; his wrench immediately thrown off to the side, hitting the tin wall with a harsh clang. Then, he sharply reached through the small opening of his front window for his jacket that lay rumpled on the bench top and quickly shrugged himself into it before storming over to his dad's old motorbike; its keys already settled in the ignition.

" _Keith_ ," groaned Shiro, jumping off his truck after him, though far less agilely. He landed heavily with a grunt. "Keith! Don't  _do_  this. Don't run  _away!_ " he pleaded, the concern in his tone growing stronger with each syllable. "She wouldn't want that, either!"

By that point, Keith had already mounted the motorbike's weathered leather seat, gloved hands shakily curling around the handle bars as he prepared to take off, but the hateful truth in Shiro's words had convicted him too much to go through with it, and so he could only sit there, seething with anger.

"How do  _you_  know  _anything_  about what she would want?!" he turned to shout at him, hoarse and numbed by rage to the harshness of his own words. "How do  _you_  know that she would even  _care_ about what I feel? She only ever cared about-"

Shiro stomped over and took him firmly by the shoulders. " _Listen_ ," he commanded in that all-too-determined tone of his, dark eyes serious. "You  _can't_ keep doing this. You  _can't_  keep  _thinking_  that you mean  _nothing_ to people." Then, hastily reaching around Keith, he plucked the rusty keys from the ignition and clutched them tightly in his hand. " _I_ , for one, am  _not_  gonna allow it."

"-but-"

"She may have been with Lance in her last days," continued Shiro, not about to let him protest, "but I know for a fact that her  _heart_  was with  _you_ ," he said gravely. " _You_  know that, too."

Had they remained minute, Keith would have blamed them on the chilly night air, but Shiro had already succeeded in prying open the depths of his heart, and so there was no hiding the tremors that now threatened to overtake him. His voice came out cracked as he tried in vain to hold back a long-held sob.

"I-I… s-she… th-there was nothing I… I c-couldn't…s- _save_ …," unbidden tears began to cloud his vision until they finally leaked down his cheeks.

"Keith...," Shiro began, but the sympathy in his tone only made Keith angrier.

" ** _No!_**  You don't  _understand!_ " he shouted, face now streaked with tears. "It was  _my_  fault...  _all_  of it."

Brow furrowed, Shiro stared at him wordlessly, and waited for him to continue.

"I thought... that by leaving... I could keep her  _safe_..," he wheezed, rubbing furiously at his wet face with the palm of his hand. "B-but I didn't  _see_... God, I'm always so  _fucking_  blind-sighted...," he groaned, now clawing at his face; teeth bared. "Had I  _stayed_..."

"You couldn't have known what Honerva was planning. She fooled  _all_  of us," reminded Shiro, gaze soft. "You did everything you could."

"You don't  _know_  that!" snarled Keith, trying to jerk free from Shiro's hold, only to be met with more resistance.

"You can't be thinking that  _everything_  is your fault, Keith. Some things are bigger than all of us...," sighed Shiro.

Keith's hands came up to take Shiro by the wrists. "You don't  _get_  it!" he growled, trying to pry Shiro's hands away from him. "She  _needed_  me, Shiro…," he then went on to say, "...and I let her  _down_."

"You didn't... let her down, Keith," grunted Shiro as he struggled with the younger man but didn't budge. He shook his head. "She was always  _so_  proud of you."

"That's not  ** _it!_** " argued Keith, his voice growing shakier as the tremors intensified, "S-she wanted me to  _stay_ … she tried to t-tell me th-that... that she  _loved_..," he couldn't finish; the ache too severe, and his breathing too erratic to form the words.

As he caught on, Shiro's face fell. "Oh, Keith..."

But Keith may as well have been alone, for what manifested then was an emotion far too raw and too strong for him to see or feel anything else.

"S-she... and I... I w- _wanted_  to be there for her... b-but I... I couldn't... I couldn't  _lose_ …"

And with that, he released the scream that had been suppressed for the past three months, clumsily sliding off the other side of the motorbike and sinking to his knees until he was hidden from Shiro's view. It was like setting free the waters of a mighty river from a dam; once out, he was unable to stop. He let out a series of deep, guttural cries, curling further into himself with the hope that each one would rip his soul from the body of which he was so undeserving.

He didn't want it; _any_ of it. Not when  _she_  was gone; not when  _she_  of  _all_  people should still be alive.

Through the pain that flooded his head and the hollow that only seemed to grow with every passing second, Keith was deaf to the clatter of keys as they fell to the ground, and the hurried footsteps that followed. Even the worried cries of Shiro, who was soon on his knees before him, pulling him into a tight embrace, were lost amidst the searing anguish.

"It's okay, buddy. It's okay," Keith heard him say, but no matter what, those words only sounded like lies, reminding him again and again of just how much he'd failed her, and was failing Shiro again, too.

Keith fumbled against Shiro's chest as every emotion wracked his body.

_If only I'd stayed..._

_If only I'd told her..._

_If only, if only, if only..._

It was too much.

"I  _loved_  her, Shiro!" Keith wailed into his shoulder between sobs, "Oh, _God_ , I loved her  _so much_!" he coughed, choking on his grief.

"I know, Keith. I know," Shiro sniffed.

Keith dug his fingers into the older paladin's shoulder as he lurched forward, his stomach emptier than the darkest desert pit on the driest summer. "I s-saw her…  _us_ … in the Quantum Abyss… we… we were together. We were s-supposed to… b-but I was t-too  _scared_ , Shiro!" he inhaled raggedly through another sob. "And-and-and th-then she… she…," he let out another deep cry. " _Allura!_ "

Shiro held him tighter. "I  _know_ ," he sobbed along with him. "And it might never be okay again."

" ** _No!_** " Keith shouted. "It will  ** _never_**  be okay again!" His voice was raspy now. "She was  ** _everything!_** "

Shiro nodded, a wry laugh escaping his lips in spite of himself. "So was Adam, Keith. And I'll  _never_  heal from that. But we'll see them again one day," he whispered. "I _know_ it."

For a long while, they stayed like that, until Keith's breathing finally slowed and trembling at last subsided. Then, mustering all the strength left in agony's wake, he lifted his heavy, dizzy head towards the sliver of moon that shone down on them, its light an inexplicable calm that seemed to draw him far beyond himself.

 _One day, Allura_ , he swore to himself before his tired eyes drifted shut.  _One day, I'll find you again. And when I do…_

_I'll never let you go._

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this about a week ago because I was mad about Season 8 again, and actually cried while writing this. My heart hurts when I think about how Keith would have handled Allura's passing. Frickin' Dreamworks.


End file.
